DevinRitchie.com

Thanksgiving came and went. Pretty Typical Ritchie Holiday, drink mimosas, have eggs Benedict, eat snack and watch movies all day.

The only difference was the night before thanksgiving, my brother, sister, mom, and I had all stayed up. We began having real conversations, which eventually lead to them confronting me that its time to shape up. Which aggravated me because I feel like I have been making strides to, and I am doing better. But its a little too late in their minds I guess. Then we (I) rehashed old issues that we hadn’t discussed ever, and things a little heated. This wasn’t all bad mind you, I’m glad we can rationally speak about serious topics and confront each other. And still be fine the next day. The fact is they want better for me. They need me to do a lot better. They have given me grace periods, and they wont kick me out, but they want to stop putting up with bull shit. That is slightly disheartening since I felt like I was doing pretty good recently.

Slaughterhouse has been going great, full audiences, good responses. It feels worth it. but I’m going to do something tonight I’m a bit unsure about, I’m going to audition for Blithe Spirit here at ARC. Why? It’s Noel Coward, its right up my alley, I have never done a lead, and this is a great show for me. Why not? Because I want to leave! because this conflicts with ACTF, and what if slaughterhouse goes to competition.

I fantasize about leaving everyday. Bryce has an extra room in LA and offered it to me, Michael Sunshine has an extra room in Seattle. I really really want to leave, but I’m so scared. I have no money and honestly don’t even do my own laundry. (yes, I am ashamed about that).

So here’s what I’m going to do tonight. I’m going to audition and only accept the lead. If I get it (history proves I wont, so this is pretty pointless…) , I will do it.

I hate when I blog like this. I really do. It’s bitch bitch bitch, I have been complaining about the same things for years and am doing nothing about it.

I have been writing a lot. On my typewriter. Just stories, my stories. I guess its a half assed attempt at a memoir. It’s probably terrible. I realized one of my talents is for story telling, and I’m hoping it translates to paper. Mostly it is just therapeutic though. I really doubt anyone would read it. But maybe, it’s far more honest than I am on here. I am honest on here, but that has several more secrets. Things that the public consumption of a blog wouldn’t be good for. I secretly pretend I’m writing the next great American novel, I will get crazy rich from my publisher, and Oprah will tell everyone to buy it. Then it will be turned into a movie where I would be undoubtedly played by Lou Taylor Pucci. Yup, that’s how interesting I am. (that last bit was sarcastic if you couldn’t tell).

I guess I want to do this play to show my family and friends that I can. I honestly believe they think I have failed, and they want me to man up and get a real jobby job and stop wasting time being bit parts continually holding out for the next one.

I watched a documentary on SNL in 90s and in the 00s. Going the comedy route might be my best option. As ridiculous of a pipe dream that sounds like, its far more realistic than my hopes in becoming a serious actor? or a performance artist? or a celebrated author lol. I need to take a moment to realize what I do best, and it is comedy(debatable). I would be fulfilled if that were what I did for money. This is a stupid ass blog rant today….

I AM doing good. I’m in a good play and (still expecting to be…) getting paid by the winery. learning a lot about graphic design, a lot about theatre, and fuck my play might go to ACTF. And I have pretty much been only drinking on the weekends, big improvement. Surprise surprise I have been reading a fuck ton too, social commentaries, memoirs of drug addicts and drag queens, and books on acting. Who am I? I totally don’t read books. Good for me.

oh and that picture is of me and Corey Frou playing Wizard Sticks, an amazing drinking game where you stack beers and duck tape them into a staff and pretend to be wizards. When you have 11 you get a wizard hat

peace

Hey everybody. Yes I have been lazy about updates and I want to explain why. This semester Senioritis got the best of me, I just didn’t care about school and nothing could make me. I have three AA degrees waiting for me as soon as I finish my one pesky statistics class, and I still cant seem to do it. I have been going to school for the past 18 years, and honestly am so burnt out on it. The thought of transferring to a 4 year school at the moment makes me shutter. So what am I doing if I am not really doing school? Well, The Philadelphia Story had an amazing run and I really loved working on it. I got such positive feedback from everyone about it, which gave me a little optimism about a future in performing. I also got cast in a new play, As You Like It at California Stage. I play Charles and Silvius two good characters. But more on that later.

Theatre is starting to go my way, two great roles in two great shows in a row, I mean this is what I have been working for for the past 3 years.

So I rehearse in the evenings, what do I do the rest of the time? I drink. Honestly. I drink and party. Pretty much every night. I’m not trying to brag, it’s just true. I went out to Faces or Badlands every night last week. The problem is now I know a lot of people there so I get in free and never have to pay for drinks. Hard to turn down. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to be the fun one sometimes. I get texts and calls every Friday and Saturday night from random people who want to know “wheres the party at?” I am now notorious for having a 4Loco in my hand. (energy drink/malt liquor 12% alc, they fuck you up and cost 2.50. I cleaned 14 cans of it out of my car.) and when I’m at the club I try and drink my weight in Red Bull vodkas. Some people judge and some people are jealous. I feel like people come to me when they need a vacation from their life, and then they can go back and be normal, and they assume I will be waiting for them whenever they want to have fun. This life isn’t fair. people shouldn’t be able to live like me. I’m not rich enough for this. I take advantage of people around me and I feel like they hardly notice or care.

Except my Mom, once my Grandma moved in this year, she has taken extraordinary notice of my behavior and suddenly now that her mom lives here I need to behave better. This is the first time my Mom and I haven’t really gotten along. I get it though. I’m 22 basically living off her, I make very little money that doesn’t begin to cover all my expenses and I have fun and party everyday. How is that fair? It’s not. I have always been the baby of the family and able to get away with more than the twins. But I have pushed it. My Mom didn’t dream of being of an astronaut or a teacher or anything when she was a kid, she wanted to be a Mom and it is the reason she was put on this Earth. EVERYTHING I have and any reason people like me is directly because of her. She wanted to be a stay at home Mom, but her job had better health insurance, so my Dad stayed home. She is a caregiver, and what happens when we all grow up? Grandma moves in. Grandma is very old and requires a lot of attention, she has become my mother’s new project in care giving. It’s a little as if I’m getting pushed out of the nest right now. And I’m not mad about it. I’m 22… its probably time to stop being a Mama’s boy. The house has become crowded and I no longer feel welcome living here. And my fear of leaving my mom alone is no longer a problem. So I have taken to rarely being at home, which results in my drinking and partying and constantly staying at friends houses. Usually just passing out.

Right now a great deal of my friends are moving away. Ruth is going to Chico State, Colleen and Adie are going to Humboldt. Victoria got a scholarship to go to a conservatory in Louisville. And generally people are just moving on. All the signs seem to point to getting the fuck out of Sacto. The issues are as follows, no money, hardly have a job (just babysitting and improv), I don’t have all the requirements to transfer (and I REALLY need a break from school in order to gain perspective, call it an excuse if you want), and where do I go???

It is time for a change.

I’m drawn to the Bay Area, Jenny and Kyle live there. I know someday I will live in San Francisco. Maybe that time is now. LA? I have connections there and a lot of family and friends. New York? Pack it all up and go be a performance artist hipster with Maggie Muldoon? far fetched I know. But what better time than now? I am not tied down at all. Why not Edinburgh?? Get back to my Scottish roots. It is also a theatre haven there.

These ideas are pipe dreams I realize, but since when have I ever been realistic dear readers? It has to be better than staying Sacramento living at my moms house doing plays at a community college, right? Maybe not. Maybe I just want to go on adventure so my memoirs will be interesting to read later. I don’t even know what I want to do.

I know it will involve art, and most likely performance. I don’t know if that means acting, directing, or being the host of a trashy open mic night as a drag queen. Something needs to happen. All I do is act, drink, sleep, work out, and watch TV. (OMG LOST! RIGHT?!?). The issue with leaving this place is that I have finally started getting Sacramento to work for me, Getting great roles, I know everybody, I club and drink for free. but so what? I figured out in high school too that popularity is fun and all. But that’s it, doesn’t help with anything else. And there is one specific play this fall that I want to do so fucking bad. I know it will be a wildly successful production that will garner attention. But I cannot stay here for a show, there is always going to another show I will want to stay for. I don’t want to go to another town and work hard for 4 years just to get where I am now here. And even if I did stay until the new year, I couldn’t stay at home. This situation is getting worse and worse and I am making it worse.

I am just a ball of confusion lately. I sleep late everyday. Honestly I have been somewhat depressed despite my prescription to Prozac I started taking about 8 months ago. I feel like it works and this is better than before, but its also a blank feeling. if that makes sense. I’m certain the drinking does not help. Making important life decisions lately has been put on the back burner, and the delay makes everything harder. That’s what she said.

I am so single right now. I have sorta dated around, and have a new theory that drinking makes me develop hickeys. But nothing has been that serious, since Tim I sorta tried with Jeff again, and I’m convinced that will be the teasing relationship that will never happen. There have been a myriad of Jeff’s in my life, literally so many people named Jeff, wtf?!? Frank Fox came and visited me for 3 days a few weeks ago, we had a good time, but he lives in Santa Monica (not to mention a Republican virgin until marriage). Could anything come of this? I guess, but my will to put in that much work in to any relationship is just not there. It’s not my style to do long distance and pine. Moreover given the recent people I have dated anyone from gutter punks to ravers to yuppies, I hardly know whats best for me at all.

My friends and I have reached a sexual freedom, don’t call it slutty, we have standards and morals and all. But sex is an important part of life. I was not dating or “sexual active” or even kissing anyone until I was like 19, I wasn’t ready for it. Now that I have a better idea of sexuality I am perfectly alright with embracing it. It’s not taboo or trashy. And honestly I don’t have that much sex. I’m a flirt. Make outs however….. lol. My problem is that though. No one wants to be in a relationship with me. I’m the best friend. The party guy. The “maybe I’ll just experiment with Devin Ritchie” kinda guy, finding sex has never been a problem for me. I lack the connection with a sexual partner. I have had 2 real relationships. and like 5 half relationships, that were just stupid. I cant imagine the day where I am codependent like that. I could only be so lucky to have someone who can see me at my worst and love it. Just get me. And have sex with me. Love, I guess… I guess I just don’t believe in it. Yet. Trying to be optimistic.

Theatre. Alcohol. Friends. Sex. These are all tools of my escapism. I have not been blogging because I don’t want to tell people. My life is not something I am super proud of right now. Blogging about it seems like I stroking my own ego or something. I don’t write for validation or popularity. Well, maybe sometimes. But to quote Usher “these are my confessions”. I have been trying to be an open book lately. Not hiding. Laying down all my cards. And this is just a leak in the dam of honesty. I have written blogs like this so many times, but I don’t post them. Because it defeats me. And who fucking cares? Well I do. And getting this off my chest and out here feels like it will help me to make the changes necessary to move on. I’m not in denial. I am well aware. I will not stop drinking, it doesn’t have the power over me that I have to cut it out completely. That’s a fact. As far as school and living situations go, I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do.

Someday I will return all the good people have given to me. Don’t think I’m not grateful.

I leave you with Eminem’s “Not Afraid”

peace

Howdy everybody! I know, I know I haven’t been blogging…. my bad. I have been keeping myself pretty busy. Well, busy with partying at least.

I have been out nearly every night either at some club like, club 21, Faces, or Badlands. Or just at some party. I know I have said it before, but I gotta slow my role.

Even with all the partying socializing and dating. I have stayed focused on Sexy by Summer and Philadelphia Story. Ruth and I have been running most days and that has been working out. Rehearsals for Philly have been going on and they have been great! I am having a lot of fun with it. I think its going to be so good!

I have also been casually dating. (Oh, I double checked and I am DEFINITELY single now.) And nothing is all that promising. In fact I think I need a break from it all. I need some Devin time

Now for the dramz… This is legitimately the first time in my life that my Mom and I are not getting along. Which is weird for us, were practically like Lorelei and Rory Gilmore. I wont get into all the details. But our relationship has been strained recently. My theory is that it has to do with the house dynamic being different ever since my Grandma moved in. We both determined that its about time I moved out. That was hard to hear. I dont know when, where, or how. But it is time that I am a big boy. I am 22 and a half.

I need to shake something up hard. I have got myself into a fabulous rut in a place I never wanted to call my home. What’s the next step guys? I’m lost.

peace