DevinRitchie.com

Hey everybody. Yes I have been lazy about updates and I want to explain why. This semester Senioritis got the best of me, I just didn’t care about school and nothing could make me. I have three AA degrees waiting for me as soon as I finish my one pesky statistics class, and I still cant seem to do it. I have been going to school for the past 18 years, and honestly am so burnt out on it. The thought of transferring to a 4 year school at the moment makes me shutter. So what am I doing if I am not really doing school? Well, The Philadelphia Story had an amazing run and I really loved working on it. I got such positive feedback from everyone about it, which gave me a little optimism about a future in performing. I also got cast in a new play, As You Like It at California Stage. I play Charles and Silvius two good characters. But more on that later.

Theatre is starting to go my way, two great roles in two great shows in a row, I mean this is what I have been working for for the past 3 years.

So I rehearse in the evenings, what do I do the rest of the time? I drink. Honestly. I drink and party. Pretty much every night. I’m not trying to brag, it’s just true. I went out to Faces or Badlands every night last week. The problem is now I know a lot of people there so I get in free and never have to pay for drinks. Hard to turn down. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to be the fun one sometimes. I get texts and calls every Friday and Saturday night from random people who want to know “wheres the party at?” I am now notorious for having a 4Loco in my hand. (energy drink/malt liquor 12% alc, they fuck you up and cost 2.50. I cleaned 14 cans of it out of my car.) and when I’m at the club I try and drink my weight in Red Bull vodkas. Some people judge and some people are jealous. I feel like people come to me when they need a vacation from their life, and then they can go back and be normal, and they assume I will be waiting for them whenever they want to have fun. This life isn’t fair. people shouldn’t be able to live like me. I’m not rich enough for this. I take advantage of people around me and I feel like they hardly notice or care.

Except my Mom, once my Grandma moved in this year, she has taken extraordinary notice of my behavior and suddenly now that her mom lives here I need to behave better. This is the first time my Mom and I haven’t really gotten along. I get it though. I’m 22 basically living off her, I make very little money that doesn’t begin to cover all my expenses and I have fun and party everyday. How is that fair? It’s not. I have always been the baby of the family and able to get away with more than the twins. But I have pushed it. My Mom didn’t dream of being of an astronaut or a teacher or anything when she was a kid, she wanted to be a Mom and it is the reason she was put on this Earth. EVERYTHING I have and any reason people like me is directly because of her. She wanted to be a stay at home Mom, but her job had better health insurance, so my Dad stayed home. She is a caregiver, and what happens when we all grow up? Grandma moves in. Grandma is very old and requires a lot of attention, she has become my mother’s new project in care giving. It’s a little as if I’m getting pushed out of the nest right now. And I’m not mad about it. I’m 22… its probably time to stop being a Mama’s boy. The house has become crowded and I no longer feel welcome living here. And my fear of leaving my mom alone is no longer a problem. So I have taken to rarely being at home, which results in my drinking and partying and constantly staying at friends houses. Usually just passing out.

Right now a great deal of my friends are moving away. Ruth is going to Chico State, Colleen and Adie are going to Humboldt. Victoria got a scholarship to go to a conservatory in Louisville. And generally people are just moving on. All the signs seem to point to getting the fuck out of Sacto. The issues are as follows, no money, hardly have a job (just babysitting and improv), I don’t have all the requirements to transfer (and I REALLY need a break from school in order to gain perspective, call it an excuse if you want), and where do I go???

It is time for a change.

I’m drawn to the Bay Area, Jenny and Kyle live there. I know someday I will live in San Francisco. Maybe that time is now. LA? I have connections there and a lot of family and friends. New York? Pack it all up and go be a performance artist hipster with Maggie Muldoon? far fetched I know. But what better time than now? I am not tied down at all. Why not Edinburgh?? Get back to my Scottish roots. It is also a theatre haven there.

These ideas are pipe dreams I realize, but since when have I ever been realistic dear readers? It has to be better than staying Sacramento living at my moms house doing plays at a community college, right? Maybe not. Maybe I just want to go on adventure so my memoirs will be interesting to read later. I don’t even know what I want to do.

I know it will involve art, and most likely performance. I don’t know if that means acting, directing, or being the host of a trashy open mic night as a drag queen. Something needs to happen. All I do is act, drink, sleep, work out, and watch TV. (OMG LOST! RIGHT?!?). The issue with leaving this place is that I have finally started getting Sacramento to work for me, Getting great roles, I know everybody, I club and drink for free. but so what? I figured out in high school too that popularity is fun and all. But that’s it, doesn’t help with anything else. And there is one specific play this fall that I want to do so fucking bad. I know it will be a wildly successful production that will garner attention. But I cannot stay here for a show, there is always going to another show I will want to stay for. I don’t want to go to another town and work hard for 4 years just to get where I am now here. And even if I did stay until the new year, I couldn’t stay at home. This situation is getting worse and worse and I am making it worse.

I am just a ball of confusion lately. I sleep late everyday. Honestly I have been somewhat depressed despite my prescription to Prozac I started taking about 8 months ago. I feel like it works and this is better than before, but its also a blank feeling. if that makes sense. I’m certain the drinking does not help. Making important life decisions lately has been put on the back burner, and the delay makes everything harder. That’s what she said.

I am so single right now. I have sorta dated around, and have a new theory that drinking makes me develop hickeys. But nothing has been that serious, since Tim I sorta tried with Jeff again, and I’m convinced that will be the teasing relationship that will never happen. There have been a myriad of Jeff’s in my life, literally so many people named Jeff, wtf?!? Frank Fox came and visited me for 3 days a few weeks ago, we had a good time, but he lives in Santa Monica (not to mention a Republican virgin until marriage). Could anything come of this? I guess, but my will to put in that much work in to any relationship is just not there. It’s not my style to do long distance and pine. Moreover given the recent people I have dated anyone from gutter punks to ravers to yuppies, I hardly know whats best for me at all.

My friends and I have reached a sexual freedom, don’t call it slutty, we have standards and morals and all. But sex is an important part of life. I was not dating or “sexual active” or even kissing anyone until I was like 19, I wasn’t ready for it. Now that I have a better idea of sexuality I am perfectly alright with embracing it. It’s not taboo or trashy. And honestly I don’t have that much sex. I’m a flirt. Make outs however….. lol. My problem is that though. No one wants to be in a relationship with me. I’m the best friend. The party guy. The “maybe I’ll just experiment with Devin Ritchie” kinda guy, finding sex has never been a problem for me. I lack the connection with a sexual partner. I have had 2 real relationships. and like 5 half relationships, that were just stupid. I cant imagine the day where I am codependent like that. I could only be so lucky to have someone who can see me at my worst and love it. Just get me. And have sex with me. Love, I guess… I guess I just don’t believe in it. Yet. Trying to be optimistic.

Theatre. Alcohol. Friends. Sex. These are all tools of my escapism. I have not been blogging because I don’t want to tell people. My life is not something I am super proud of right now. Blogging about it seems like I stroking my own ego or something. I don’t write for validation or popularity. Well, maybe sometimes. But to quote Usher “these are my confessions”. I have been trying to be an open book lately. Not hiding. Laying down all my cards. And this is just a leak in the dam of honesty. I have written blogs like this so many times, but I don’t post them. Because it defeats me. And who fucking cares? Well I do. And getting this off my chest and out here feels like it will help me to make the changes necessary to move on. I’m not in denial. I am well aware. I will not stop drinking, it doesn’t have the power over me that I have to cut it out completely. That’s a fact. As far as school and living situations go, I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do.

Someday I will return all the good people have given to me. Don’t think I’m not grateful.

I leave you with Eminem’s “Not Afraid”

peace