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It gets better. It gets worse. But it totally gets better.

baloonsuicideThere has been a lot in the news about “gay suicide”. Kids bullied and harrassed to the point of them killing themselves, like the 4 deaths of recent. I have been trying to form my thoughts, but as Kurt Vonnegut has taught me recently, “theres nothing intellegent to say about a massacre

I can honestly say that I laughed when I saw videos like this and this. Really? We need B-List singers (actresses?) to make PSAs for us? I want people to stop saying “that’s so gay” too, but will this really help?!?!? And when I see all the videos with the titles “it gets better” from every celebrity, it makes me mad. It is so EASY to make a video and say “aww buck up, those people are just jealous, you’re awesome!” And “see, I get you. Dont kill yourself, instead watch my crappy reality show, or buy my shitty music” “I’m important, listen to me”. It seems like a cheap way of self promotion. Not that I disagree with (most of) them.

Not that I have ever kept this a secret, but I am gay.(…. I’ll pause for you to collect yourself after the most certain shock you must have just had).  I never really had the need to “come out” cause really, what was I hiding? I mean, right?Look at that picture —> People have told me my entire life. Before I was to ever understand sexuality, attraction, and emotions as a whole people had decided my fate. I glitter1never had a problem with most likely being homosexual, I just wanted to come to that conclusion by myself.

I also know something about being clinically depressed, I went to therapy for 7 years, and have been on Prozac for about a year now. There could be a multitude of reasons for this, but most of them probably rooting back to my fathers suicide. So yeah, I know a little bit about the subject at hand.

Bullying and harassment are nothing new, and ALL kids do deal with it. Everyone is a freak in their own way, and those people who aren’t are just creepy, and that makes them a freak. But maybe we have reached the point in society where we can finally take notice of these things and fix them. I can get down with that. But there are a few facts that aren’t going to change, people will always tease one another. It’s our way, and sometimes its fun. I’m sorry. For some reason at least. Being teased toughens people up. Honestly it prepares them for the real world. And it is what made me funny. In the real world you don’t just get teased, you get hurt deeply, and embarrased. By people who aren’t bullies they are assholes. There will always be assholes.

Some of these cases really did go to far, filming someone have sex and putting it on you tube is pretty bad, but a perfect example of an asshole. There will always be some attention called to the fact that you are gay. There certainly has been for me, even when I was 5 and playing with my sister’s pink Skip It, but I didn’t stifle myself, I have always had this policy of calling attention to my differences and embracing them. If I say the funny thing about it before you do, its not embarrassing for me. Embrace yourself and have confidence and fucking rock it. Not everyone is going to like you.

utopiaSince suicide has played a rather large theme in my life, I have often pondered it, Not seriously seriously need to be on suicide watch considered, but pondered. Sometimes in dark moments, I get it. I understand completely why some people do what they do. Some people have it really hard and some people have some huge demons in their closet. Studies have been done about how often more “intelligent” people commit suicide, and that really has to make you think about how much they have going on. After all, ignorance is bliss, and that is all they are seeking. It’s belittling to chalk this all up to bullies and teasing. Everyone has their own issues.

What all of this boils down to, is that everyone needs to be an outlet for love and understanding for someone, your friends. Reach out to somebody if they seem like they have problems, I know people have reached out to me unsolicited, and saved me. I have payed it forward and hopefully that helped as well. We live in a cruel world and sometimes it can get to be too much. I cant tell you that suicide is not the answer for you because thatcollar is between you and your god. I’m not going to pretend to know exactly what is going on in any one’s mind. But I can say from my own experience that someone always does care about you. I have been to a dark places, and yes if you are depressed it might get worse. Its experiences like that that will eventually lead you to understanding the full range of emotions and feelings humans can go through. Because as bad as it is sometimes. It can be so fucking good. And I’m told it can get so much better than that. I’m still waiting to see.

This is what I am afraid of; with the all the attention gay suicide has been given, people might feel as if anyone they will be a martyr, get national attention, and suddenly be relevant and important. That is pretty stupid. That is the cowards way out. There are so many better ways to make a statement. You want to be around for them. This is a quote from MILK

You’re going to meet the most extraordinary men, the sexiest, brightest, funniest men, and you’re going to fall in love with so many of them, and you won’t know until the end of your life who your greatest friends were or your greatest love was.

That being said, the end of your life is not right now. There will always be assholes, and our lives never really do turn out like we wanted, nor should they. No one would be interesting at all.

I want to make a real call out to the people who were the biggest bullies for me. The people who harassed me the most. GAY MEN. This might be because I live with liberals, and never had real “gay bashing”. Gay men were the most forward in telling me that I’m gay. When I was 14 or even 15. Them trying to tell me about it, and teasing me with how I will come out. This also apply’s to my friends. Everyone wanted me to admit it for so long, before I even could have known.

I understand, I see closeted gays all around and I just want to scream at them “YOU WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER IF YOU poloroidJUST EMBRACE YOURSELF, ITS SO MUCH FUN”. But that only puts them in the closet more. I would like to think that my sexual orientation isn’t directly tied to my music choices or my fashion. Well, I would like to think that… I wanted to prove them all wrong. Prove wrong everyone, that said they knew me better than I did. It takes a lot of pride and humility to finally say that you are gay and you proved those insensitive bastards right. Fuck. But I got over that, I now I’m one of those bitchy guys wanting everyone to come out. And it doesn’t help. All we can do is make it a non-issue like it is. Cause let me tell you, NOBODY CARED. And at least for me, EVERYONE KNEW. There was a rough period of people effectively saying “I told ya so” (you would be surprised how often I hear “I totally knew you were gay before you did” as something people are terribly proud of.) I’m really trying to say that its not that scary. But if it is for you, I hope you find some outlet for it, and if all these videos by has beens and gay enthusiasts really are helping you out, then good.

This really is an amazing resource The Trevor Project aims to do exactly the right thing. There will always be assholes, there will always be suicide and tragedy and things that will make us feel so alone. And it can get way worse. But it can get so so so much better.


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